Palliative Drug

Get these thoughts out of my head!

The Right to Know

on 1 March 2010

Before I go on, I think I should warn you that this might be a little depressing.

So turn away if you wan to lead a worry’less life!!!

——————

If you were going to die, would you want to know?

Would you want to know how long you’re going to live?

Would you want to prolong your life by going thru chemotherapy? Or you prefer to just go as quick as possible by skipping the chemo?

i was talking to alvin about this & his opinion was that he would prefer to go as quick as possible w/o the chemo. He said that 1 yr will be enough for him to settle whatever last things he wanted. And to go thru the chemo to prolong his life would just be cruel to his family. Everyone will be waiting for the next relapse. Everyone will be wondering when is it the day that he will go? Everyone will be wasting a lot of time & money on a sick dying person. It’s the waiting that is torturous.

then i asked mummy & daddy. Their point of view was that if they were rich, of course they will want to live as long as possible. But if they were poor or not so well-off, they might as well go faster. Why burden their children with bills? Then their children will in turn burden the relatives with bills.

personally, i feel that if i had cancer & i have to choose between:
(a) 1yr of living
(b) or go thru chemo & maybe there is a possibility to kill all the cancer cells & then wait for the next relapse,

I guess right now, i would choose (a). But if my children are still dependants, then i would prolong my life for as long as i can…. just in time to see them competent enough to earn a living, then i’ll go. However, right now, i have no children. I’m not married. I have a bf but he is competent enough to take care of himself & i know that he probably will not miss me THAT much after i’m gone *gloom gloom*… becuz he’s still young & can easily look for another partner.

Just like my mother told me about her auntie. This auntie had stomach cancer. She cannot eat or drink anything. So there is this wrap thing that she wears every single moment of her life… with this tube permanently inserted into her tummy. Food has to be mushed up into really tiny pieces, then practically POURED direct into that tube. Then when her kids graduated from university, this auntie………….. committed suicide by jumping off a building.

I guess the pain was just too much for her to bear. It was probably a relief for her the day her children graduated. Finally she can be released from her pain. What is it like to suffer like that for 20 yrs? Only she will know. What does it feel like for her to not be able to eat & instead pour mushy food down that tube that was connected to her tummy? We will never ever know & hope that we will never get to experience that.

Life is tough. On a more spiritual or superstitous standing, humans were put on this world to suffer. I am not a religious person, but I still believe in karma. Maybe there is someone up there watching us and keeping lots of notes & files of our lives. Some of us live with a silver spoon. Some go thru hardship for a reason. But ultimately, I guess we should all be on our best behaviours.

That said, should we have the right to know that we are down with cancer? I feel that we should know. To realize how precious life is & how we should treasure every single second with our loved ones. If we keep the illness a secret, then would the person continue to treat herself lightly? She would probably feel, “aiya… i’m just weak & need to take better care of myself”. But can she really be a determined person to make things right for herself & everyone else?

I know I will want to know if I have cancer.

So that I can really feel the need to treasure everyone around me now. Try & make myself better and live life to the fullest. Rather than thinking to myself, “oh it’s nothing much… it’s like having a flu”.

Wat would you want?

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2 responses to “The Right to Know

  1. Gin says:

    Girl, we all have cancer. Every one of us is a walking cancer. It eats into our soul and digs into our skin and tears a little bit of our hearts everyday. You just don’t know it. It starts from the moment we were born and ends the moment we die. Just look around you, cancer is all we get. Food for thought.

    • Gina, I just found your comment in my SPAM folder. WHY?? Why does comments go everywhere in wordpress? And it’s true…. everyday, we’re eating cancer. Maybe humans were not meant to live long.

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